I could never just lie in bed, even on New Year’s Day. I am up, clean, kaftan’d and looking out at the world and my life in it. A fresh cup of coffee. Robin on the cup, robin in the garden. A chocolate doughnut. Bird crumbs. I had to go and get those, just like every other day. I looked dapper.
This is my life. I am finally at peace with a great deal of it.
I wrote that two hours ago. It seems longer. Now my window pane looks like it has been crying. Outside it is grey and cold and January as hit and yet I feel oddly illuminated. It is not warm enough, so I will turn up the central heating.
You see very few birds flying when it is raining like this. Maybe the odd seabird, a gull. I just got back from turning up the central heating. Sometimes the very act of going up and down the stairs in the house I am renting a room from feels like I am walking across a landscape, for example, up a mountain. Perhaps we never really leave the rooms and clearings we once visited. Once visited, we always inhabit them.
Now I am thinking of my love of birds. I do not want to be sanctimonious and say I do not eat birds including chicken or turkey, I want to share it again as a permanency in my life that feels right beyond reasons I can explain. There is bizarre comfort in the enigmatic, in submitting some of your freedom, to enigma. It began to make sense to me, when I saw it was effective in practise to do so. By not eating birds, by giving up a certain aspect of my pantouphagous freedom, I am participating, in my own way, in their protection, a feeling which makes me feel proud, and cosmic, and much more worldly, and connected to the world, than, say, feelings for an ex, or whether or not it is best to listen to love songs or dance music to heal a broken heart.
This is what I want to focus on this year. On what I can do, not on what I can’t. I will pour all my energy in what can be done and leave the universe to take care what cannot be done. Somewhere between the two, I will find my own balance, and equipoise. I feel it already. The scales. On the other side is everything that my life requires within a year. And a little bit more.
This has been a piece about time.